Starting Over

I meant to post this apology after getting back from Germany and Italy but time has quickly slipped through my fingers.  My computer's space is very limited these days therefore uploading pictures has been a challenge, hence why I have not posted any photos yet. However, I don't feel as though you are missing out since my photos don't get the scenery justice by any means.

But as I sit here thinking about posting the photos I am distracted by my current situation in life which makes reflecting on the trip difficult.  When Johannes came back from working in McCall, things were different (not to mention even while on our trip). It wasn't until a week later did I fully understand why.  I found out Johannes was having an affair and had decided to leave me.  His unwillingness to give up this other person and work on our marriage has made the situation very difficult. He no longer wants the "burdens" of marriage but rather the freedom of being single.  And feels that this was "bound to happen." Yet he still wants to be involved in this other person's life because he now loves her.  So here I am trying to hold our marriage together alone. Obviously I can not win this battle. Because the person he had the affair with not only worked with him in McCall but also goes to school at UI with him, I will not be able to avoid seeing him and this girl together in town. Having to be faced the person he left me for in public will be so embarrassing and mortifying to me and yet he considers her feelings more important than my own. I am devastated by this situation.

I know most people might be cringing at the fact that I am laying our dirty laundry out there for everyone to read. But I feel that people have the right to know what is going on in the situation and make their own judgements about it. After all this news came at me like a truck on the freeway.  Talk about being blindsided by the person you love and trust most.  I have given up a lot in the last 5 years to be with him and made sacrifices for his benefit (such as moving to Moscow so he could go back to school, working jobs I don't enjoy). Yet now I am getting a slap in the face and being told he feels our marriage has been a burden and he wants more freedom.  Looking back I'm having a difficult time remembering when he made any sacrifices for me.

If Johannes has a change of heart and wanted to come back, there is still love in my heart for him but he will have to work so very hard to gain my trust and love back. Unfortunately at this point he is being too selfish to think of anyone but himself and has said he will not change his mind.

I hope that the saying "Time heals all things" is really true because at this point, I think it's a load of crap.  I'm frustrated over so many things and it kills me to feel that I am now going to be a hurt, bitter, sad, used, divorced 27 year old starting over. So much for that happy ending.